I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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