Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
