she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
