I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
