You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
