He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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