she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
