Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
