explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
