I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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