in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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