forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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