i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
