to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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