I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
