i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
