He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
