my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
