My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
