I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
