My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i will never coherently bang her
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
