I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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