i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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