she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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