Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
