well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
