My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
