he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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