I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
