From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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