the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
