There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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