I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
