On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
