She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
