I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
