While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
