the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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