that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
