I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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