She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
