I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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