Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
