Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
