It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
