my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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