I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
