my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
