i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
