It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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